One Hell Of A Year

The world feels like it has tipped on it’s axis… NO JOKE. 2018 is an “11” year which has been all about destruction before illumination. The very foundations we built over the years literally crumbled beneath our feet and we found ourselves amongst the rubble, trying to figure out what happened and WHY. I know I am not alone in this! I see many others who are struggling to keep it together and trying to stay sane, in an insane world. I’m here to tell you that YOU… are NOT alone.

The roller coaster ride of life and all the emotions I’ve experienced this year have had me all jacked up, I won’t lie. One minute I was happy and the next minute? So sad. Something hilarious would happen, I laughed uncontrollably and then a minute later? Something pissed me off and flipped my bitch switch back on. I would walk outside and see the beauty around me but then I looked up and saw they were spraying our beautiful sky. I saw memories come up in my news feed that made me smile for a moment and then the next post I would see? Someone was shooting into a crowd and killing innocent bystanders. I enjoyed times with my children and grandchildren and then I would hear that other’s children are being abducted. Friends celebrated giving birth to beautiful babies and someone else was asking for prayers for a loved one who was taking their very last breath.

From one extreme to the other and multiple times a day! It has literally been like a roller coaster ride – not knowing what curve or dip was coming up next and wondering if I was supposed to scream with excitement or just cry with fear! All of my mental stability had been rocked to the core, in every aspect imaginable. I became unglued. I felt like I had lost my mind.

2018 will go down in the books as one of the saddest, draining, mentally and physically challenging, most destructive years of my life. I lost so many loved ones, I have lost friends, I lost focus on my health and gained weight, I separated from one job amicably, I quit two others, we experienced financial difficulties and I lost my drive for success and fulfillment. I lost all faith in myself and my abilities. I kept experiencing blow after blow and I just sat by myself numerous times, waiting for the next blow to hit.

I have gone through this depression suffering in silence – not leaving the house unless I had to, not answering the phone when people called, not confiding in those who I love and trust, not getting dressed, not taking care of myself physically or emotionally and I questioned every single thing in life. I have wondered WHY things happened the way they have and I cried more times than I can even begin to recall. I lost faith in myself and my self worth. I lost faith in my abilities and also my self esteem. I felt like I failed every one and in every way.

I tried each day to start anew with a whole new perspective but within mere minutes of me opening my eyes, something would happen – I would read something negative, I would hear from someone bearing bad news, I would learn more about the evil happening around us or I would witness a major tragedy of some kind. I allowed my mind to wander into places that I haven’t gone in years and let me tell you, it wasn’t pretty. It rocked my world.

Being an empath that feels the emotions of others, has literally been a curse for me this year, too. I failed in placing the proper energy protection around myself and as a result?  I felt like the dead cow, lying on it’s back, rigor mortis had set in and still saying loudly “No really, I’m fine.” In the past I was able to control how external situations have affected my well being but NOT this year… this year has been a trip and I experienced it unmedicated.

I felt every single blow.

In past life experiences, I’ve learned that things usually have to get worse, before they can get better. Well? Let’s hope there’s truth to that statement because yes, I have lost a lot and yet on the other hand; I also learned a lot along the way… a lot about life, those I love, what I value in life and who I have now become as a result of these trials and tribulations. There are lessons in every experience and that’s the simple truth of it all.  I had to snap myself out of the trance I’ve lived in and come to that realization.


Don’t get me wrong… not all of my experiences this year were tragic.  Some were happy and exciting but, I chose to ignore those moments, while cocooning in my chrysalis of depression and despair.  I found that it was easier to focus on the negative instead of the positive, in life.  This is what has been happening behind my closed doors. This is why I have gone within. I do not like sharing my feelings of vulnerability with anyone as it’s happening because, I am the type of person that requires complete seclusion. I need time to sort things out in my mind and make sense of situations, first. I need time to dissect and analyze the circumstances to figure out the ultimate solutions.  I finally determined after all these months, I had to wake the hell up and shift my focus completely.

This year has taught me the biggest life lessons all over again:

1 – Time waits for no one.

2 – Be happy NOW.  Don’t wait for something outside of ourselves to make us happy.

3 – Appreciate every moment we have with those we love.

4 – Take those moments to show people we love and care for them because we don’t know when God will call them home.

5 – Sorrow, pain and loss will never go away completely.

6 – Signs are every where, in every thing. It is solely up to us to accept the messages we are given, realize the meaning in those messages and apply the wisdom to our lives going forward.

7 – We have a choice in every situation how we respond to the circumstances we’re in.  We are the ones who choose a fixed mindset or, a growth mindset.

8 – Do NOT sacrifice your sanity for any ONE or any THING. EVER.

9 – Negative self talk completely destroys our health – mind, body and soul.

10 – Change can only begin with our one decision TO change.

This year was pivotal in my journey because I learned that no matter how badly I was hurt, how hard I had been hit, how many times I cried out in pain, no matter how many times I had fallen and no matter what situations from my past tried to break me? I have become stronger now than I have ever been and the come back from all of this is gonna be epic. I believe that. I HAVE to believe that.  When you hit rock bottom, there’s only one way to go. UP!

Today I have already declared 2019 as the year of transcendence. It means surpassing, extending or rising beyond the limits of ordinary experiences. I know I am sick and tired of living the way I have this year and I am bound and determined to use every single lesson to inspire, encourage and empower myself to live the life I deserve to live. I am choosing to rise above the bull shit!

I hope my experience and the fact that I have now shared it, in turn; empowers YOU. I encourage you to dig way down deep inside of yourselves to find the strength and the will to keep moving forward.  We CAN do this and we WILL do this, TOGETHER.

2018? I can now look back with much gratitude for all the lessons learned through the hardships, but REALLY?! It’s time for you to GO. The New Year can NOT come fast enough! Peace out, 2018. It’s been one hell of a ride. ✌

Depression is a mental illness that has a significant effect on a person’s ability to function normally, and is marked by persistent feelings of sadness, emptiness, worthlessness, and hopelessness. These feelings can continue for years if left untreated. 

It is estimated that up to 15% of the adult population will experience forms of depression at some point in their lifetime.  

Common symptoms of depression include:

  • Feeling sad, anxious, empty, hopeless, helpless, worthless, guilty, or generally pessimistic.
  • Feeling more irritable than normal.
  • Not doing the things you used to enjoy because you have no interest and/or motivation.
  • Feeling easily fatigued or generally lacking energy.
  • Experiencing changes in your sleep and/or appetite.
  • Having difficulty thinking, making decisions, concentrating, or remembering things.
  • Having an increase in physical ailments with no medical reason or evidence as to why.
  • Thinking of death or suicide.

If you are suffering in silence from depression, please seek help.  There are ways to cope.  Helplines are also available to those who feel like they need someone to talk to and may not know where to start but please, start somewhere.  You are NOT alone.

All My Love,



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